Falling On Your Face In Public and Other Cult Related Things

Yes I did in fact fall on my face in public. Well to be more exact I fell on my ass in a room full of approximately 100 people who were at the time watching me (and many other athletes) compete.

Before I get into how that happened, let me first point out that I referred to myself as an "Athlete". Not only did I refer to myself as such, I truly do think of myself as an athlete, at almost 35 years old. How did this happen? Pretty sure a year and a half ago, all I was doing was an occasional "yog" (thats my version of a jog) and some Jillian Michaels DVDs in my  basement.

Its funny how things change. I was indeed suffering through those DVDs last winter. And then I started training with a friend of mine, who also happens to be a kick ass trainer. She is amazing at what she does and was very good about NOT letting me make excuses and teaching me how to be accountable for my health both in the gym and in the kitchen. To date I can honestly say that Anna taught me more about how to eat properly than anyone else. I distinctly hear her voice in my head at night when I "need" a snack saying "If you aren't willing to eat fruit or nuts, then you aren't hungry". And she is right. I can never repay her for helping me reprogram my own thoughts about food and also the scale (she got me to throw that m-effer OUT!!)

Fast forward to this time last year and I went to a CrossFit competition that my husband was competing in. To be totally honest, I thought Crossfit and all the wackos that did it (including Bill) had to be truly disturbed to torture themselves in the name of fitness. Seriously. But I went to be a supportive wife. For the record, Bill did awesome and thus began him turning into a Crossfit super beast. And I got totally and instantaneously sucked in to the supportive and competitive Crossfit atmosphere. I pondered it for about 3 days and then told Bill it as time I "drank the Koolaid" and thats a direct quote.

A week later I strolled into Titan Crossfit and did my first WOD. It had snatches or overhead squats and burpees and some other horrible movements in it. All I wanted to do was survive....and I did! And then Nick, our coach, said there was dessert which only in Crossfit is something you DON'T want to hear. Dessert was 200m runs (gag) and handstand holds....say what?? I literally laughed out loud because there was NO way I was going to get my ass inverted on a wall. HA HA! Yeah well Nick had other ideas and basically had me kick up and pushed my legs at the wall until they stuck. And there I was almost 34 years old, upside down and being cheered on by a wall full of other upside down people. I was hooked. Signed up and never looked back. Its been almost exactly a year and I can truly say that is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I'm not going to preach Crossfit here...although I TOTALLY could :) But will I am going to say is that what I have gained from Crossfit are all the intangible things that I hadn't even realized I had lost. Confidence, strength both mental and physical, determination, grit, commraderie, sense of self and a whole group of new friends who feel the same way I do.

So fast forward another year and here I am a Crossfit athlete.
 Athlete: (n) a person who is proficient in sports and other forms of physical exercise.
Yup that is me. I have now competed in 2 regional competitions and 3 local/in house competitions of my own volition. And in the most recent one, I fell hard on my ass in front of a group of 100+ of my peers while doing a VERY simple jumping movement. And it HURT. And it was EMBARASSSING. And you know what? I got up and kept going. I kept going through the shame and the pain and I didn't stop until I was done. I wish I could say my performance helped us to a win but it did not :( However in some ways it was a win for me because I didn't give up, I didn't give in, I believed in myself and kept going....
And trust me the girl I was a year and a half ago would not have. 

Why Haven't I Blogged in Year and a Half....

Because I've been too busy living life to blog about it :)

I probably won't regularly blog after this but I figure why not take a few minutes to reflect on the past year and a half. When I left all my readers (yes all 7 of you) I had just fessed up to being lazy and had taken the very beginning baby steps in my journey to change and be healthy and happy.

Well good news, I am indeed healthy and happy. And I took a path that I never would have expected to get there. Before I go into how I basically joined a cult and changed my life, let me tell you a few things I didn't do to get to this place.

1. I did not continue to obsess about the scale. That thing is the devil people. It makes you define yourself by a number. Stop giving it power.

2. I did not beat myself up when I fell off the proverbial wagon. And yes I sure did and continue to do so. Went on vacation, ate like a linebacker, feel guilty and guess what...I moved on. I'm eating clean again. Its that simple.

3. I did not worry about what other people thought about me. I stopped caring what other people thought as I huffed and puffed by them while "running" ( I use that word loosely, I'm more of a yogger...almost a jogger). I decided that it didn't matter what size I was I was going to wear spandex shorts because damn it they are comfortable to work out in. If people have the time to judge you while you work out, they aren't working out hard enough.

4. I didn't punish myself. I had to learn that this is a process, a lifestyle, not a diet or temporary phase. Being healthy and fit means committing to it until its no longer a commitment but a part of who you are. If I eat french fries (and I love me some french fries....mmmm Five Guys) then I eat some fries. Guess what, not the end of the world. No need to get down on myself. What purpose does that serve? To that end, I also still struggle to NOT reward myself with food. "Oh I killed that work out today, I totally deserve Five Guys" (I really do have a thing for Five Guys lol).

5. Finally I did not give up. I am still going. I still have a long way to go to where I want to be. I have little goals along the way. I have stopped giving myself deadlines for progress. All that did was bum me out if I didn't reach them. I basically have a bucket list of things I would like to slowly accomplish. I will get to all of them as I continue to grow and work hard.

one of my favorite quotes

Next time I remember to blog I will let you in on all the awesome things I have done in a year in a half :)

Work in Progress....

So about 3 weeks ago, I laid it all out on the table. A lot of people gave me a lot of support and positive feedback which was awesome and made me feel great. And then I went back to my normal way of life and didn't change....
NO I DIDN'T!!!!!!!

For the past 21 days I have been eating healthy and working out. 15 out of 21 days I have worked out for at least 30 minutes. One of those days I ran a 5k - in 25 degree weather at 8am. 2 of those days I have done an hour and a half of Bikram Yoga....105 degrees the whole time. I have also done 30 Day Shred, Power Pilates, a Tony Horton work out, ran 2 miles, and this is just the start!

I signed up with a trainer...who by the way is super hot and awesome and happens to be one of my best friends. I will be working out with her once a week. But she already has me journaling my food each day and gives me feedback about my choices. Just by doing that I have learned so much! Like I don't eat enough, I don't eat close enough together, I need to vary what I eat more and incorporate some slow digesting carbs.

I took my "Before" pictures as well. If you want to know what you really look like...put on a sports bra (ladies) and a pair of bike shorts and take pictures of yourself from the front, back and both sides. Oh yeah..it was humbling. You can hide and camouflage a lot with the right cuts and colors of clothes but there is nothing to hide in that get up.

So at this point, I've lost a few pounds - 4 to be exact. I think my clothes are starting to fit better/differently. I feel much better about myself even if the scale hasn't changed dramatically. I might have to throw that m-effer out so I can stop obsessing about it. But I am starting to look forward to each work out and trying new ones. I also love not having food guilt. Waking up and not thinking "ugh why did I eat that crap yesterday" is a great feeling.

Anyway this is where I am and I figured I would share. New Years Resolutions are right around the corner...why don't you make the decision to change for yourself? You won't regret it.

The big FAT truth

The big FAT truth is that I have been making excuses for myself for too long.

Here they are:
1) its baby weight
2) its my metabolism
3) its because I'm hypothyroid
4) its hereditary
5) its just because I am built this way
6) its because I'm in my 30s
These are just some of many reasons that I weigh more than I want to or to be honest more than I should.

Who wants to admit that they are their own problem. Certainly not me.

While I'm at it here are some of the excuses I made for why losing weight is so hard...
1) i don't have time to exercise
2) i have to cook for sophia and bill too
3)i don't have time to count calories
4) i don't have the energy
5) i hate the gym
6) its too hot, cold, windy, rainy to run.
7) its just not my thing
8) my back/neck/ankle/shins hurt....

So I've wasted days, weeks, months, YEARS not taking responsibility. Starting a diet, joining a gym, hiring a trainer and all the while not fully committing. Not fully accepting responsibility.

I am not quite sure what clicked for me about 2 weeks ago but this little idea kept gnawing at me. I just couldn't shake it. I just couldn't let it go. I kept thinking...you CAN do this. You can lose weight. You can get fit. You can be healthy. You can stop eating things you don't really need to eat. You can exercise regularly. You can make time for yourself.

Maybe it was this article I read where some super fit, health guru that I would usually ignore got straight to the point. He said (in a nutshell) your kids aren't going to love you less if you give a little time to yourself to be healthy. This part sticks with me most-
"The next one is for you moms, and I think I probably should have hired some security before I go into this, but here goes.  Killing yourself slowly is not what your kids need or want from you.  Your children will not get together at Christmas in 30 years and say, “It was totally worth it to have to bury mom so young.  At least she got us to karate, ballet, T-ball, and piano lessons all on the same day while still keeping the kitchen immaculate and doing the laundry.  If that laundry would have piled up we never would have forgiven her!”


So what kind of role model am I going to be for Sophia if I don't eat healthier? Don't get more active? Have body issues? Have self esteem issues connected to my body? 


Maybe it was my friend Chelsey - who has 2 kids, works full time, bakes for the pre school class parties, spends quality time with her friends and family and WORKS OUT ALMOST IF NOT EVERY DAY. And she looks amazing by the way :) But seeing her post her runs, her workouts etc on Facebook made me look at fitness differently. She inspired me. (thats right General :)


Maybe it was the blog article my friend Taylor wrote (who by the way WON  Expedition Impossible...the reality competition on tv this summer) about eating Paleo that made me look at the way I eat and think hey I CAN do that. Why do I need processed food or grains or dairy? I will be honest and say I miss cheese the most...but I'll live. I feel better about what I eat each day. It feels so GOOD not to have food guilt at night or the next day!!!


Maybe it was my friend Anna, who is a certified trainer but also works full time, is going to school and finds time to work out. Its a part of who she is. She drove to VA and did a TOUGH MUDDER just because she was compelled to do it. Thats 9 miles of firey obstacles folks. No joke. She is a badass. And she will drive up to PA to run/walk 2 miles with me just to be my athletic supporter ;) 


Maybe it was wanting to wear cute knee high boots and skinny jeans like all the cool kids. Maybe it was wanting to be IN the pictures this spring. Maybe it was wanting to not avoid my reflection most days. Maybe it was the quote "What you eat in private, you wear in public". 


Maybe it was all of these things.


So here I am putting it out there. So if I fail i can't make excuses.  I am here to say I AM DOING IT. period. And if that can be inspiring, helpful or just interesting to anyone else. Well why not share it. And this time if I fail...I fail because of me. Not any other reason. And I am NOT ok with that. 

Tiffany

Today was a Good "Mom" Day

Have you ever had one of those days at work when you are firing on all cylinders? Everything is clicking and you feel great. Putting out fires with style and grace. Impressing coworkers with your brilliance. Getting well deserved praise from your boss. Aren't those days great? Well you have "good mom" days like that too. Minus the coworkers and praise...

Everyday as a mom is a good day. But lets be honest...some days I am a just a better mom than other days. I know that sounds bad but its the truth.

But some days I am able to do more,  be more patient and be the best mom I can be. I have no idea why one day I wake up like this instead of my normal mom self. As a normal mom, I am loving and caring. I change diapers, wipe snot, clean up "uh-ohs", kiss boo boos, you name it. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus snacks, run errands, clean and do household chores. I play silly games and read the same book over and over. 

So what makes a "good mom" day as opposed to every other day? I do it all with more grace and patience than normal. I am all smiles in the face of the worst tantrum(s). I do not flinch when hit or kicked while changing a Code Red diaper. I am immune to the "I don't wanna nap" tears (which only last 5 seconds after I leave the room). We go to story time, go the to the playground, take a walk on the trail, play in the backyard and have the yummiest snacks. Homemade grilled cheese sandwiches cut with cookie cutters for lunch and brand new homemade muffins for snacks. 

Who knows...maybe its just that I feel like I am doing a better job than normal. Maybe I really am doing a better job. Either way, when the end of the day comes and I am enjoying my mommy time (aka glass of wine)...I feel like maybe I deserve it a little more than normal. 

Parenthood: A Horcrux or The Giving Tree?

Its been a trying week or two here in the Malstrom household. My little tiny terrorist has been sick. A sick toddler equals a lot of grumpiness and not a lot of sleep...and the toddler can be tricky too.

Needless to say I have discussed the helplessness you feel as a parent when you can't make your little one feel better with several people and have some how had parenthood compared to the two following literary references.

1. A Horcrux

      Now if you are a Harry Potter nerd like me (like you have read the books WAY more than once, not just seen the movies)....you are well versed in the Horcrux concept. If not, here is my pedestrian rundown of it....
A horcrux in the magical world is a powerful dark magic where the magician splits his own soul and places it into another object. Therefore if the magician is killed, he can come back using the small part of his split soul. Voldemort being uber evil, did this seven times. It involves killing someone in the magical world to create a horcrux. Bad stuff.

So you are probably wondering how this concept was compared to parenting!? Well I was explaining to someone how when you hear your baby crying, as a mother you feel a physical ache or pain and you immediately want to fix it. I went on to say "Having a baby is like taking a part of yourself or your soul and putting it outside of your body and watching it walk around". Kinda like a horcrux.... Now, rest easy and know I did not kill anyone to have my baby (unless you count my previously carefree pre-baby self :). But having Sophia was like taking a part of myself and safely tucking it away in someone else. In her I will always have innocence, the ability to not make the same mistakes and feel an unconditional love I never thought possible. My soul outside of my body...thats Sophia, my little horcrux.

2. The Giving Tree

 Now I am pretty sure everyone knows "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. It the touching story about a little boy and his tree. The tree loves the boy and as time passes the boy grows and no longer wants to swing in the trees branches. So the tree gives the boy his leaves, apples, branches and finally his trunk. And the boy grows old and sits on the stump. Its a touching tribute to love.

But that is not how it was presented to me recently. A much more jaded person than myself said "You know what parenting is like, its like being the effing Giving Tree". As the parent, you are the tree and the little boy is your child/children. You selflessly give and give and the little person takes and takes. In the end you are the stump.

Stump?

Well I am not that jaded, yet. But I do see that as the tree, you love the little boy so much that you want to give him whatever he needs to be happy. You put your child's needs/wants happily before yours because if they are happy, you are happy.

So after 2 weeks of minimal sleep. Hours of fever checking, snot wiping, medicine administering and tear wiping....am I the horcrux or the tree? 

Both I think and neither. But happy nonetheless. 

"Vacation"

So, we spent a week at the beach with a 16 month old...notice how I didn't call it vacation?
My idea of vacation includes quiet, relaxation, sleeping in, and adult beverages. Oh, we had plenty of adult beverages....just not the rest of it.

Apparently 16 month olds do not subscribe to the sleeping in model of vacation. Sophia shared a room with us on this vacation and we learned the following things:
1. Sophia is a very light sleeper.
2. Creaky floors, doors and beds will wake her up.
3. Sophia thinks 5:45 am is a wonderful wake up time on vacation even though she wakes up at 7am at home.
4. Sophia sings to herself in the morning when she wakes up. We knew this but learned that you can't sleep through it when its at the foot of your bed.
5. Saying "sshhh" only works until your 16 month old "shhhhs" you back!
6. Bill is a very good guy and got up most of the days when Sophia did letting me sleep in....although that was probably in his best interest, seeing as I am a nasty piece of business without the proper amount of sleep.

Once we downed several cups of coffee each day...it was off the beach. And in Sophia's case, off to the races! She LOVED the beach. The sand, the water, the sea gulls, all of it. She was non-stop for 2 hours at a time each morning and then again in the afternoon. It was awesome! And exhausting.Bill and I had to tag out every 20 minutes or so just to keep up.
Some babies are afraid of the ocean, not ours. She would run head first into waves breaking on the shore if we weren't there to grab her. She took a couple of headers into the waves and still wasn't deterred.
Sand became Sophia's new best friend and my worst enemy. She would roll in it, dig in it, pile it on herself, fling it this way and that. She was like a pig in well you know. I learned a valuable lesson from a friend....BABY POWDER! if you put a little one your hands or theirs and rub it in, sand falls off! Thank you Erica! Sophia also became accustomed to cold hose downs before we entered the house every day. And she learned what its like to go commando in her bathing suit :) I learned that any diaper, swim diaper or not is really just a glorified sand trap. So my daughter had the most adorable plumbers butt for most of the week :D
Sea gulls (aka DUCKS according to Sophia) became a huge attraction. Sophia would see one, point, yell "Duuss!" and go running. And I mean running. Her little chub legs were pumping and she didn't stop. Finally when the "duus" would get smart and fly away, I would have Sophia wave bye bye and back to the water we would go. This only happened 20-30 times each day.....

Midday we would have 1 to 1 and a half hours of vacation in the form of nap time. Sitting on the beach or on the deck, relaxing and doing nothing. It was awesome. Then the beach tornado would wake up and we would do it all over again!

I will say that Sophia learned a TON of new words at the beach: boat (boa), bird (which replaced duck), plane (pane), bye bye, fish (fissss), Parker her cousin(par-per), and many more. It was very fun :)

Bedtime would come and Mommy and Daddy would pretty much collapse in a deck chair with a cocktail or 4 and then drag ourselves quietly to bed so as not to wake the little beach bum. And the next day it started all over again!

Now we are home and back to sleeping in our own beds (heaven). Sophia is sleeping until 6:45....vast improvement. And I am wondering what our next beach "vacation" will be like.

Our Little Surfer Girl :)